Please see below some Martial Arts definitions which you may find useful…..

Kempo
Percussion class with people as the drums

Aikido
Origami with people

Jiu-jitsu
people who fold your laundry for you----while you are still wearing it.

Tai Chi
martial art overdosed on valium...

Taiji
The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack.... in most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity

Tai Chi
just like standing still, only a bit faster.

Aikido
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places

Arnis
"Harness of the hand." A Filipino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronunciation of the art guarantees a quick taste

Bo
A stick


Bokken
A stick that looks like a sword

Buddhism
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men

Chi
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength

Dan
A term used in martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt

Darn
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training

Dojo
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to an S & M parlour but without the mistress

Hakama
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it
Iaido
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is"

Judo
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers

Jujitsu
A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Kata
A series of prearranged manoeuvres practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain

Katana
A sharp metal stick

Kendo
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??

Kuk Sool Won
A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the DVD’s for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive

Kung fu
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats

Master
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only £19.95 per month, turn up for one session, take your money and never to be seen again

Naginata
A stick with a sharp bit on the end

Ninja
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pyjamas

Ninjutsu
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pyjamas

Sparring
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques

Tae kwon do
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer, the stamina of a marathon runner and the strength of Mike Tyson….counts me out on all three then!

Tai chi chuan
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway

Tatami
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor

Three sectional staff
Three sticks linked together, durr!

Zen
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so